Why doesn’t anyone write about what happens after your broken heart heals? What do you do when you’re unbroken? Why does no one speak of this space that was once love, and then became broken love, and finally morphed in to a massive void where love and brokenness used to live? Where are the directions for how to deal with this void? Do you heal a void? Do you just throw things into it until everything is all tight and cozy and you never knew there was a void there to begin with? How do you fill it?
When my devastating heartache subsided and I found myself staring at just such a void, my approach was to fill it and fill it fast--with anything that would even remotely fit.
First, I thought, ah, I’ll just go out and snatch someone new to love. Viola—Mission
I tried new hobbies, old hobbies, volunteering, and just stopped short at getting a little doggy to cart around town. With nothing left to throw into the black hole, I gave up. I stood there and yelled into the void and heard my frustration echo back to me over and over…
I am now sitting on my porch, having retreated into my “shell” for the weekend to try and figure out what to do with this void. The sky is full of dark clouds and seems to reflect my mood as the rain begins to fall steadily.
I recall a conversation I had with a friend one morning over coffee. He was mildly upset over breaking up with a girl that wasn’t actually his girlfriend (more like an email buddy) and he said something to me that, at the time, didn’t make a lot of sense. He said, “I’m just glad to feel something.” I wasn’t really sure what he meant by that. But now that my brokenness packed up and left town and here I am listening to my own voice echo back at me from the resulting void—I get what he’s saying.
I would give anything to have something there to feel--or would I? The memory of my not-so-distant heartache comes to mind and I laugh at my own self-destructiveness and careless train of thought. When he said what he said, I think I actually snapped at him but he was somewhat right. We long for the emotional connection even if it is in the form of an emotional connection in the process of becoming unconnected. We want something, anything to fill the void.
I want to fill the void. I stood on my porch watching the rain and thought about everything I have been through in the last year and a half. I thought of the long road to healing after my eight year relationship fell apart and I wondered how I ended up here, with this void. I read about heartache, I read about the formula that calculates how long it will take you to get over your brokenness depending on how long you were with that person etc…I read about forgiveness and moving on but I never read anything about the void. Looking back, it never occurred to me that I would be feeling this way now. It seems that I am always continually surprised by what life has to offer and how time unfolds a story.
But standing there on my porch in the pouring rain, I can’t help but wallow in the self-pity for a moment more. I paid my heartache dues; I cried, mourned and consumed mass amounts of chocolate ice cream for eight months before I was well enough to have a day without waterworks or even consider looking at another man. I did all that healing just to end up with this black hole of a void following me around as a reminder of the love I don’t have in my life—how unfair!
I thought long and hard about my attempts to fill the void and the motivations behind my actions. I thought about the new patterns that I was creating in my life—some good, some bad. I realized how hard it is to just be still and be with what is without moving to “fix” it or push it to a “happy place”. Although, I am not too sure that I agree with my friend—heartache is no friend of mine—but being numb is hard to deal with, especially, when you know that an all-consuming love once existed where numbness now is. It’s hard to know that I am living everyday now without that kind of love enriching my life and it’s even harder not to grasp after it. The boom of thunder sounds and it is quickly followed by a grand show of lightening across the sky. I’ve hit on something…the grasping….
By jumping on the merry-go-round of dating in hopes of once again finding that kind of love, I am just creating more suffering. I get my hopes up and then they are dashed yet again, when there is no chemistry or love at first sight to shove into the void. My actions are quickly followed by the thought, love evaded me again! This pattern is creating the idea of loss where there really is none, which leads to unnecessary suffering for me, and possibly, the person that I am trying to shove into the void.
As if to confirm this idea, the rain eases up a little and another thought occurs to me: What if I’m still broken? I gaze into the break in the clouds and consider this idea. I am no longer hurting as a result of a broken heart and I am no longer in love with the person that I was in love with so I naturally assumed that I was healed but maybe not. Maybe part of healing is learning to live with the burning memory of love lost and still having the hope and faith that there is more out there for you. That thought leads to the startling realization that maybe true and complete healing occurs when you realize that the void only exists because you are capable of so much love.
Although it is still drizzling rain, a shaft of sunlight reaches through the clouds and comes to rest at my feet---what could be more precious than understanding how much love you have to give to someone else?
Ah, I think I get it.
It’s not what goes into the void; it’s what comes out of it.
