I stood there staring at the closed door, my foot tapping impatiently as I watched his shadow creep around on the threshold. I could tell that he had adjusted himself, now favoring the left foot instead of the right and I could feel my annoyance at his persistence grow more towards amusement. The floor was littered with torn pieces of paper and the tapping of my impatient foot caused them to dance slightly, almost as if they were alive. The paper, the remnants of a letter he had written me full of beautiful words formed into beautiful reasons as to why he was kind-of a jerk. He had slid the letter under the door and in my defiance, I ripped it to pieces and tossed it in the air but yet he still remained planted just outside my door.
I could hear him singing silly songs to pass the time and my defiance was beginning to wane. I sighed loudly and ventured closer to the closed door. I peeked with one eye through the crack, just below the hinge as his lyrics faded into a faint humming and he nodded his head along to the tune. I could see his profile clearly and noticed that the silly tune had not reached his eyes – they remained forlorn. He was patiently waiting for me to open the door again but I could tell he wasn’t sure if I would. My stance softened slightly as my eyes read the sadness clearly etched in his features that betrayed the silliness dancing in his voice. I could feel myself giving in just a bit and my hand reached out and rested on the door knob. It had always been so hard for me to stay mad at him.
As if sensing I had moved closer, he quieted, turned abruptly on his heel and then leaned his head against the other side of the door. I could see him squinting in an attempt to peek through the crack and the absurdness of it invaded my mind. There we were, two unsure fools peeking at each other through the tiny crack of a closed door. It seemed utterly silly and I could feel my features softening into a smile.This was how we always ended up – neither of us wanting to let the other in but neither of us wanting the other to go away either. He knew exactly where to find the straw to break the camel's back and I watched through the tiny crack as he cocked his head back and called me by that funny pet name.Victory was his as I felt the last of my resolve melt away. I yanked open the door and the resounding swoosh sent strands of my hair flying.
Not wasting a second, he grabbed me up into his arms and begun planting kisses all over my face. He held me tight against him and I could feel his fingers tangling in my long brown hair. Still a bit unsure in my spontaneous decision to open the door, I didn’t return the affection but didn’t push him away either. The scent of him surprised me as it assaulted my senses. I hadn’t known that it would seem so familiar or comforting to me and I dwelled on it, noticing that I couldn’t describe it. It was uniquely him just like all the other quirks that he had that I hadn’t realized, until now, that I found attractive.
His embrace on me loosened and his feet begun to move as a quiet hum made its way through his slightly parted lips. He took me with him and we danced, our bodies’ close, our foreheads pressed against each other. It felt sweet and comfortable but not overwhelmingly intoxicating as love would normally be. We rocked back and forth and slowly turned in circles.
The dance begun to wind down and I could feel the warmth receding as he pulled back more and more. He spun me around slowly one last time and I realized that somehow I had landed back on my side of the door.
I looked up at him as he stood just on the other side of the threshold and I could see conflict arising to overtake the warm smile that had been there just moments before. I gestured him in but he just stood there and silently blew me kisses. A feeling of doubt crept into my belly and I the let the kisses drop to the floor, joining the shreds of paper, full of beautiful words and reminding that he was kind-of a jerk.
My mind begun to turn and I wondered why… the letter…the pet name….the silly dance. Realization dawned on me as tears gathered in my eyes. He only wanted to know that I was still on the other side of the door, like an option, or an alternative route. He wanted me, but he wanted me less than everything that was already on his side--the other side--of the door. I hung my head slightly as my spontaneous decision to open the door turned definitively into the heavy feeling of regret.
One glance at his face confirmed my theory, as he looked at me with an expression resembling a child who had just wet his pants by accident. Anger arose in me and I could feel my hands ball into fists at my side. He took a brave step towards me and planted his foot in the doorjamb. I grabbed the door forcefully and shoved it closed with all my might but this time, it didn’t close, it just popped open again and smacked me hard.
He looked down at his foot, jammed tightly in place as I retreated behind the door so he couldn’t see my wounded face. He didn’t seem to notice me as he very casually inspected his shoe for damage. I leaned against the back of the door smarting from the blow and silently wondered if I had hurt him at all.
I leaned my head against the wood and slumped down to the cold hard floor—I didn’t know how I was going to get him out again. I stared down at his foot, still holding ground, jammed tightly and intentionally in the doorframe and selfishly, I hoped that I had at least left a mark.
*Originally written August 2011
